POST-HOLIDAYS

School has been going for 1,5 weeks now, and it was very clear that practically everyone in school wasn’t used yet to the new rhythm, having gotten used to all the wrong hours during the holidays. After some pretty zombie-esque days, because I wasn’t tired yet at midnight but the alarm goes off at 6:45, I got back into a slightly better rhythm, my body simply screaming for sleep.

I didn’t go through the whole thing entirely drousy, though, since there were enough things to keep me alert. The news, for one, which is simply freaking me out. Every morning when I check the newspaper, I hold my breath to prepare for any possible shock of what’s in it. Reading about shootings in Belgium made my heart drop (again). What’s happening to this world?

I’m all the way up here in Finland, and I don’t have access to news on TV or radio or paper, since I simply can’t understand it. So sometimes I wonder if people are actually aware of what’s going on, because if I don’t check my newspaper (my host family doesn’t get the paper, for example), my internet platforms or social media, I know nothing. In school, most of the people I talk to are aware of the news, mainly thanks to social media. (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, tumblr.) It frightens me how easy it is to completely miss the news, and then not even care. To me, it’s unimaginable.

In some brighter reports: I’ve been having music classes now, and it’s been really fun. Every lesson is different; one day we’re singing, the other we’re learning new instruments (I got placed behind a piano and a drum set already, having never played any of them before), writing our own song, learning how rhythm works, etc. It’s very diverse, very interesting and also just really fun. It’s made me more daring already in terms of music, more passionate. The teacher is very interested in the student’s talents, and in the first lesson she asked us what we could do, and she was so genuinely keen to learn what we played, liked, etc. She plays the cello too, apparently, and after me saying I play ukulele, she brought one with her the next lesson! (To me a blessing, since I don’t have one at the moment and I miss it so much. But that’s going to change very soon 😉 .) She’s maybe bringing her cello to class too, which will probably involve me being asked to play something… 😛

(warning: this post can get quite heavy from this point on.)

This week has also been different in terms of conversations I’ve been having with people! One especially stands out, that I had with a friend from high school. It kind of made us both realize that we’d totally missed out by not spending that much time together, since we are more alike than we ever noticed, in terms of interests, style, etc. (Of the humor part we were already very much aware.) But the main reason why we never connected that deeply in high school is because I was a totally different person, not at all as expressive, open, daring… as I now am. And to me, I’m me, but if I think of the person I was five months ago, it’s like a different person, and that’s weird.

I listen to music now that is such a part of me that it’s weird to think that I didn’t like that not that long ago, or maybe never heard of it. I look different, I am different, and I’m only really realizing now how different exactly, and how apparent it’s going to be when I get off that plane in June. I see it in the art I create, in how I write, even on this blog, how I have conversations with people, how I think, how I see the world. And I can’t fully see now how “bad” it will be, the shock, because I’m so used to who I am and what’s in my mind, that I think the main “sufferer” from the shock will be me. Or maybe people that liked the Ella that got on the plane in August better and think I’ve changed and abanded all previous values. I don’t know.

It’s just beginning to really dawn on me that my way of thinking is ever further than what I come from. I only just had a pretty bad encounter with someone I’m friends with who totally has no clue that what he says and thinks about women and gays is totally bad and wrong. It made me realize that I’m in for more of that, especially when going back to Belgium, where a lot will be the same as it always has been and I won’t fit in as much anymore. But that’s OK.

It’s not that hard: I’ve gone from small-town girl that had to motivate herself to ‘just do it’, ‘not be ashamed’ and live in the now, to someone who sees no rules and limits in terms of wardrobe/style, life, social situations; isn’t afraid to express her honest opinion and go into discussion, etc. I feel much more genuine, towards myself and towards others.

If I describe the person I was only a few months ago to the people that know me here, they hardly believe me.

I can say, though, that there are some awesome people that are keeping up with me, and just know. Some amazing friends, family. I’ve even gotten closer to them over the last months than we’ve ever been, even though we’re so far apart. And it’s awesome.

 

I’m in a kind of extremely honest mood that I suspect will never end. I blame punk. And a documentary my dad recently sent me.

Much love,

E.

 

 

Photos in this post were taken in my neighborhood when it was very cold, and the one of my headphones shows how it’s frozen – my hair was frozen to it.